Walkin’ on…..one step at a time…
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

Well, here I sit, feeling so many different things… I’m tired, I have a headache (of course, I’m hungry, so that doesn’t help matters), my sinuses are starting to bug me…all of those surface things. Going a bit deeper though, I’m sad that I’m going to lose my grandmother, but so very happy that I am getting to spend time with her and that she is so at peace with her decision to refuse any more treatment and spend her remaining days at home with family around her! I have to tell you that she looked pretty good, all things considered, when I saw her this past weekend. My mom and my aunt both said the same thing….that almost as soon as she made her decision to refuse any further treatment, it was like this weight was lifted and so much of the stress and anxiousness was gone. Since she’s been home, she’s been eating SIGNIFICANTLY more than she has been and sleeping very well! She does indeed have a little more energy. Now, not that I believe that it’s going to last, but it was my prayer that she would not be miserable and that she would regain some strength. She is still very weak, don’t get me wrong, but she isn’t in any pain and does not seem miserable to me. So that’s great!!

My other prayer was that she could hold on until my brother, TJ, gets home from Iraq so they can see each other….I personally believe that she’ll be able to do that. I know we can never know when our time is up or how things will happen, but I just truly believe in my heart that they will get to see one another! I can’t explain it, I’ve just always felt that way about this particular aspect of the situation. Doesn’t mean I’m right, but that’s what I think. So, anyway, Godspeed my brother!

I can only say this…I hope that when I am faced with death, I can be like her. She is truly at peace. As my dad, my sister and brother-in-law, and my husband and I visited with her and as other family members were in and out visiting her over last weekend, we had a good, positive time together. Laughing and carrying on….grandma would think of something specific that she would want someone specific to have after she’s gone, or she would ask one of us if we would want a certain item and we would talk about it peacefully and relaxed….. It wasn’t morbid or overly focused on the item, just more like a fact of life, simple… She even expressed concern to my mother over whether or not my sister and I would bring our children to the funeral…..we talked about it and we don’t plan to at this time, instead we are going to take the kids up, one or two at a time over the next few weeks, to see her for a few hours….can’t bring them all at once, she doesn’t have the energy for all that commotion….

So, am I sad? Yes, you bet I am. I am going to miss her soooo terribly when she’s gone. But, she’s not gone yet, and I am going to spend every possible spare moment with her that I can muster for whatever time she has left! And for that opportunity, I am happy and thankful!

Also, I appreciate the incredible support of my friends! (A few special ones in particular! Girls, L-T-U, you’re the best!) Life wouldn’t be the same without you! You’re amazing! You all rock and I love you! And I cannot possibly forget to say how thankful and blessed and grateful I am to have my husband, Joby, by my side. My rock, my love, my partner and friend. I don’t know what I would do without you. Thank you for your support and your love!

After spending time with grandma last weekend, as we were driving back home, I was thinking about how glad I was to have gotten to spend time with her and how blessed I am to have friends to help me through…..and a line from one of my favorite movies popped into my head…….it’s from the 3rd Lord of the Rings movie, Return of the King…..at the end, as Frodo and Sam are lying on the big rock amidst all the lava flowing all around them, Frodo says to his best friend Sam something along the lines of - I’m so glad it’s you that I’m with here at the end of all things……