Life…
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

As I sit here listening to my 3 year old son come down the steps, go into his Granny’s room and visit with her and then make his way into the office and fire away questions,  comments and temper tantrums at me, one right after the other………I am amazed.   He has grown up so very much over the last 6 months! He’s no longer a baby or toddler, he’s much more of a little boy.  (Even more evident as he climbs all over me in the computer chair as I type!)

But, actually, this isn’t about him….or my older son (who is sleeping over at his cousin’s house tonight)….I’ve been thinking a lot about my grandmother today.  My mom’s mom.  She has stage 4 breast cancer that has spread and is too far along do surgery or chemo.  She is on medication to try to shrink the tumors a little bit and at least give her back some energy and appetite.  She’s been dealing with depression, which is extremely unlike her and very difficult to handle, especially for my mother.  You see, my grandmother has always been the most get up and go kind of woman!  She never sat still, she was always working in the yard or in her flowers or in the kitchen (she loves to cook and nobody can cook like her!) or working around the house….until now.  She can barely make her bed without almost passing out, and she has to sit down after she’s gone from one room to the next.  This is killing her.  Not just physically, but mentally/emotionally, whatever you want to call it….it’s trying to take her spirit too, as I see it.  She always told me that if she ever couldn’t do for herself or be active, it would just kill her.  Wow….

Let me tell you a little bit about her….she is a wonderful woman and the single most influential person in my entire life!    She was born and raised in poor, rural West Virginia and had 10 brothers and 6 sisters.  Yep!  She was one of 17 children!  One of the oldest, she often cooked and cared for the younger ones in addition to all of the other chores they had to do.

She married my grandfather (after he followed her from various locations in WV to Ohio and after more than one marriage proposal to which she told him no, she finally said yes!) in February of 1950 and my mother was born in November of 1950.  They didn’t waste any time!  8 years later, in March of 1958, my aunt was born and their family was complete.  I never knew my grandfather.  He had leukemia and passed away on December 19, 1966….just 6 days before Christmas.  My mom was 16 years old and my aunt was only 8…..

My grandmother worked, blood, sweat and tears, to keep from going on welfare.  A gentleman at some government office said to her after grandpa died, “Well, you’re going to have to.  You’ll never make it.”  Well, guess what?  She did.  She was determined to do it herself and she did, in a time when it wasn’t likely for a woman to raise a family on her own!  She is truly an amazing woman!

From that point on, she just kept living life as she always had….taking the bull by the horns and forging her way ahead!  She is so determined and certain about what she thinks and believes, and she is sooo much fun too!  She is a character, that’s for sure!  Ornery, funny, full of life!

I love her so very much.  And today…….today it is killing me to imagine life without her. I am so sad.  To imagine Thanksgiving without her and her delicious food…….to imagine Christmas without her is agonizing.  Christmas is her favorite, it was the favorite of her and grandpa together too.  She told me once that on Christmas Eve they would have 24 or 25 people in their tiny house to celebrate!  I guess I get it honestly, I love Christmas too!

And so, here I sit……contemplating life’s changes that are to come, whether I want them to or not, whether I’m ready for them or not…..and not just her illness and the thought of losing her……from this point on in my life, I’m going to go through a lot more loss.   You know, it’s odd……I’ve always known this is what life brings, but the older I get and the more real it becomes……wow…..that sucks.  But then I take a big, deep breath and sigh…….it is what it is and I certainly cannot change it…..so maybe I’ll let it change me….for the better, I hope.  Maybe I’ll try a little harder to be kind to people, or learn to cook better, or excersize more, or spend more time with my family and friends, or to feel everything deeply, or make absolutely certain that I’m living my life to the fullest in every way that I know how, seizing the day and making it mine, “sucking the marrow out of life, but being sure to not choke on the bone”, attempting to live my dreams and making sure that I live with no regret…..

Yeah…….maybe…..